Absent Father — Present God

I've had a few days to think about the effects of absent parents. Some of you are familiar with my story, and for others, you aren’t. I didn’t grow up with my father. While I knew of him, I spent around two years of my childhood with him present. Before and after, there was silence. In my adulthood, I understand that there were factors completely out of my control. This post is not to discuss him, but to openly share what can happen when daughters are not loved.

You see, that last sentence is an example of what happens—she believes that she is unloved. The truth is, she was always loved. Before she was formed in her mother’s womb, she was loved. But let’s continue to unpack this belief.

Daughters who feel that they are unloved by their fathers often make unhealthy decisions surrounding love. We/they try to give and give love because, inside, we need it. We want to be seen and chosen. We want to know that someone believes we are worth fighting for.

The truth is: The death of Jesus shows that we are worth fighting for.

Daughters who feel unloved can often lack control of their emotions. They felt powerless before and now desire control. This can look like having many sexual partners—not because they enjoy it, but because they have learned desire before discernment. They have learned to use their bodies because their own birth wasn’t enough to make their father stay. There is the misbelief that “If I do this well, maybe he will stay and not leave me.” This belief is an attack of the enemy because even if your earthly father isn’t present, God chose you.

The truth is: God is a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). We should place our desire for control in the hands of the One who chooses us daily.

Daughters who feel unloved can downplay their feelings because, when or if previously expressed, they didn’t shift the reality. They begin to believe that they don’t matter or that they are a burden. So instead of speaking up, they shut down and become agreeable—even if they truly don’t desire to. The flip side is that they become extremely vocal, which is perceived as difficulty when it’s actually fear or mistrust.

The truth is: God said to cast our cares upon Him. He cares about what we think and how we feel. Furthermore, He desires that our thoughts be like His thoughts.

There are many more things that can happen, and I may share more over time. However, I want to note this for any woman still dealing with the aftermath of an absent father:

You were always enough. You still are. The choices you make may have consequences, but you are not a consequence. I want you to release the shame and the guilt that you still carry. Stop apologizing for your past. You have been made new in Christ.

Rest in that knowledge and live according to it. You are not a stain. Jesus’ blood carried the stain so that your soul did not.

And let me end here—let me talk to the babygirl who now lives in a grown woman’s body:

Their absence was not your fault.

Their absence was not your fault.

Their absence was not your fault.