These past few months have been an absolute whirlwind of emotion. I’ve had highs and extreme lows. For starters, I don’t have it all together. I never claimed to either. I simply never wrote it down or shared it publicly. There is a shift that occurs when you really write or speak your truth. My truth is that I have the same struggles as the next person. I too have felt insecure, unworthy of love and ashamed. I was mistakenly under the impression that no one noticed. I really believed that my smile, my laughter, and my encouraging spirit towards others kept my pain and issues away.
When the new year rolled in, I decided to participate in the Pinky Promise Journal Challenge with Heather Lindsey. One of my goals was to be open to hear what God needed me to work on. He often speaks something to me and then confirms it through people who I will listen and trust. Y’all God has wrecked me so much. It’s only the 15th!! God showed me that I do not value and love myself as he does. I have always struggled with love. I have plenty of it to give and it shows. From childhood, I’ve craved loved from my earthly father and never received it. I thought I was past that pain but looking deep inside, I haven’t surrendered that pain to my Heavenly Father. This is evidence that time does not heal all wounds.
It is not time but a surrendered heart to God that releases anger and hurt and replaces it with compassion, forgiveness, and grace.
I’ve accepted complete nonsense because I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted so badly to be loved that I gave and gave. I gave when I knew it wasn’t the best thing. I gave when I knew it wouldn’t be reciprocated. I gave hoping that I would be enough. Hoping that the person would see that I’m a good woman. I wanted so desperately for others to see something in me that I didn’t truly see within myself. So I gave. I gave my time, my body, my patience, my dedication, and my heart. I believe that most women have been in a situation like this before. We have given in hopes that it would be appreciated. Giving in hopes, that it would finally be enough.
Today, we start a new life. We are closing the lid on things that do not bring us peace and things that do not align with God’s word and his plan for our lives
We are closing the lid on insecurity, lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. God calls you His. He created you with his best in mind. You are a masterpiece created by the Ultimate Artist. Pick your head and heart up and understand who you are.
We are closing the lid on seeking validation from men. Make rules and YOU abide by them first. If you are flaky or indecisive it shows! It will cause you pain. Stand firm in boundaries. The man God has for you will not provoke you to move away from the boundaries you have set.
We are closing the lid on giving away our bodies. We are worth more than sex. Your body is so precious. (To the girl who wants to have sex to fit it, remember you are born to stand out. Dare to be different and go against the grain.)
We are closing the lid on accepting love in ways that God does not approve. Someone else’s man is not your husband. You will NOT be a sidepiece. That woman is not for you. As someone who has been in two relationships with women, I understand the curiosity, I understand the fascination, I understand the feeling of if no man will want me, I’ll go find a woman who does. I understand that loneliness will make you consider things that God does not desire for you. I understand how easy it is to justify your feelings and actions. I have been where you are. (if this is an area that you are struggling in, please don’t feel alone. I won’t tell you that it is easy. Even writing this section is hard for me because I still go before God about it too. It is an area that I realized I needed to surrender to God because of my flesh winning over my spirit. GIVE IT TO GOD SIS!
So then, surrender to God. Stand up to the devil and resist him and he will turn and run away from you. 8Move your heart closer and closer to God, and he will come even close to you. But make sure you cleanse your life, you sinners, and keep your heart pure and stop doubting. (James 4:7 The Passion Translation)
We all experience times of testing, which is normal for every human being. But God will be faithful to you. He will screen and filter the severity, nature, and timing of every test or trial you face so that you can bear it. And each test is an opportunity to trust him more, for along with every trial God has provided for you a way of escape that will bring you out of it victoriously. (1 Corinthians 10:13 The Passion Translation)
We are closing the lid on being available for others. We are reintroducing the word NO in our vocab. Saying NO to ourselves first makes it easier to say NO to others.
We are closing the lid to unforgiveness. You are not your past. The mistakes you made before as simply that before! Release it and move forward.
We are closing the lid on chaos. If it doesn’t bring you peace or align with your purpose remove it. If you are uncertain, remove it. God does not operate in mess. He doesn’t live in confusion. He is a God of order.
I pray that you will journey with me in 2019 and beyond and learn how to Close the Lid. When you close the lid on things that are toxic, you create a space of peace to grow. You will exchange pieces for peace. You will create a mindset that is fueled by self-love. You will discern potential setback. You will pass the test. It won’t be easy, but you are equipped. Close the lid sis, you have reached your capacity.