Today I cried. Today I cried inside. Not a light cry. It was an ugly cry. The cry you don’t want your spouse to see or hear. The cry you see being released in car scenes in movies. Today I cried.
I reached a breaking point. I had enough. My job was ruining my life completely. It wasn’t that the job was hard. It simply didn’t fulfill me. It didn’t bring me any joy or peace. Sure, it provided a great income. But, was that it? Had my life been reduced to a paycheck? Surely, I have much more to offer than just a scripted sales pitch.
I had dreams and goals. A list of things that made me excited. There were people that I knew were waiting to connect with me. God had given me so much inside that I was just bursting to share. I knew that this current place, was seasonal . (A long season, Winter was coming and had come and gone). I knew that God had more for me.
I would see on Social Media or in my inner circles how people were leaving their jobs and starting fresh. They were being successful too. Some were in the very fields that I had dreamed of. Then it happened. That slow stirring anger built up and overloaded me. It overwhelmed me and I under delivered. I allowed the current season to control how I responded. I became lazy, tired, annoyed and lacked totally energy.
I called my husband and said GET ME OUT OF HERE. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I HATE IT HERE. He quietly said I know babe, I know. As I listened to the sadness in his voice, it made me think. It wasn’t fair that I laid by burdens to him. Yes, he is my husband, but he isn’t God. He can’t handle my stress and him. No matter, how much he wanted to or how much he tried, he cant. It wasn’t fair that I allowed my anger to carry so far .
I took a deep breath and prayed. I prayed hard. I prayed that God would hear me. Hear my complaint and move in my life. I wanted him to either change my situation or change my heart while in the situation. I needed to learn to be content with my portion and to take my cares to God not my husband. I needed to Trust that he will when he does! As hard as it may be you have to push forward. You have to know that you must keep rowing the boat. You are headed in the right direction.
So even when your arms get tired or the water rises higher and higher, always remember that you are equipped with the tools to keep moving. Don’t stop rowing (trusting and keeping your Faith.) God will either calm the storm or bring you to shore. Just allow him to lead.
Then call on me when you are in trouble,and I will rescue you,and you will give me glory (Psalms 50:15)